Kay T Jewels: The Who I am essay, Part Two

www.facebook.com/kaytitaniumjewels
Life came and by chance I had a kid at age 21, a Family of my own. How it happened was

sheer luck and a bitter twist of fate at the age of 20. Out seeking revenge I fell into the hands of

someone who was as equally angry as me. He was even angry with some of the same person

as I. After the initial fear of telling the farther to be I was pregnant had passed and he did not

reject me. Instead he promised to love and protect me. I was then so relieved I could stop

running I said to him “Then I shall love you too”

For the next nine months I lived in his mother’s basement. Which was awful because I hate the

basement, I hate the dark and bugs too. However I did not complain. I worked every day for 8

and half months at a coffee shop while I was pregnant. I slept on an old fashioned military bed

and woke every morning with morning sickness. While I got ready at 4 a.m. to go to work the

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The Who I am Essay 2011

smell of the low tide from the sea seeped in my window. The forty min ride to work I puked the

whole way, and still I was grateful.

When I grew fat with pregnancy I loved it. I was so happy she was such a miracle to me. When I

delivered my baby on May 11, 2004, I was moved into an apartment. I signed the lease from my

hospital bed. Soon after I was home I sat in bed I grabbed my journal and pen.

I then write in the journal I kept by my bed. I was in my new apartment on the sixth floor of a tall

towering brick building. It was 2004 I had just had my daughter and nine months of safety within

thy future enemies’ hands.

I can’t believe I have found a place where I don’t ever want to

leave. Spring has come and a new life has begun. I finally have

the family I craved since I was young. I now consider my old life

good and deceased for I have found some love and a place to live

in peace.

I have found a place where I feel safe and loved, a place where I

belong. A place where silence is a welcoming song, this is place

where no one wants me gone, a place where I am not always

wrong.

This is something I have always wanted and something I never

had to call my own. It is called a home. To me a home is where

people love me and I have people to love. It’s simple, it is plain

but since it has come I’ve started to feel sane and not so much

pain

Thanks you so much

Love me

I left my journal open that night, on the bed side table under the light, for my daughters father to

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The Who I am Essay 2011

read that night. It was the only way I had to express my gratitude to this man. This same man,

whom had fathered my baby, yet was practically a stranger to me. He did not even know my

name was K.

To my daughter I write….

My little angel sent from above, Changed my whole life, she has

filled it with love.

She flew in like a dove so beautiful and white; she has created

a bond that is secure and tight. Gone is the darkness for she is

my light. So innocent and pure, she is the reason I am here, this I

know for sure.

She made me strong and gave me the will to go on. For her I

will fight against all that is wrong. She depends on me to make

everything right, to cherish, love and protect her thru life.

Laughter is the only song I wish her to sing; to her it is

unconditional love I bring. The sound of her happiness is music to

my ears; it has a way of easing all my fears. Only for her would I

acknowledge defeat, accept that I had been beat. I would lay my

soul down at the devil's feet.

To him I would say

"This is the price I would pay, if you would let my daughter be, if

you would only set her free, to you I will give me

I will pay my toll and sell the devil my soul

In return all I would ask of him is this, everlasting happiness and

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The Who I am Essay 2011

safe passage thru your evil world for my precious baby girl.

For this I would gladly give him my soul to burn.

Gone are the days when I only think of myself here are the days

when I think only of her

I do not miss yesterday for it is gone, today is here and tomorrow

is near,

Yesterday I lived only for me, today, tomorrow and forever more…

I live only to care for her!

Things changed about three months after she was born. She was perfect; she and I were

always great. However her dad and I suddenly began to fight. I’m not sure what started the first

one but it was brutal and scaring to say the least. It never really ended after that. Always made

to feel as though it wasn’t enough, always accused of things I wasn’t doing, I could never make

him happy. However I held my ground and in year two of motherhood I write to my daughter.

Though the last two years have been filled with many fears and a

lot of tears, I wouldn't change one second of them.

For I have been giving the blessing of watching my baby grow

and learn.

Each and every day I have been blessed with the gift of watching

you play, rediscover an old toy, listening to you laugh with joy for

each new word you learn to say. Every step of the way, I have

been able to love and teach you in my own crazy way.

Somewhere along the line I was enlightened to the fact that you

have been not only listening and learning, but you have been

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The Who I am Essay 2011

doing some teaching of your own. You have taught me the true

meaning of love without before saying your first word.

You are my angel of love and mercy, you are my miracle, you

bring me endless amounts of inspiration, and you deliver me from

my darkest days in the most unique ways.

When I hold you, I can see all the wrongs and pains in life, all the

hurdles in our way, but my confidence does not waver, for I can

also see in your eyes that you believe that, I can do anything.

You are amazing and most defiantly the greatest thing I have

done or will ever do in my life.

I know every choice I have ever made or sad day I have had to

face brought me to you and you to me. There are no accidents

or mistakes each moment in time was meant to be. You were

created by me and born to me for a reason you have a purpose

and meaning are my one true love and only child.

I have sworn to love and protect you on your journey thru this

world. This oath is the only oath that I have ever taken, but it is

one that I would die trying to keep.

To my father I write,

Dear Dad,

As a child there were many times when you had to go far away. Sometimes you could take me

with you other times I had to stay.

Whether we went together or you went on your in our hearts we were never alone. You always

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The Who I am Essay 2011

remembered me, when you couldn’t take me with; you always brought me a surprise.

A locket from France, some chocolate from Germany, and really so much more

On the trips we took together sometimes you had to work but, most times you blew it off and

took me out to play.

On those very special times when you could steal me away

I saw The Magic Kingdom, took pictures of shadows of people we didn’t even know, rode rides

and saw places I only dreamed of. How it made my young heart glow.

As a young adult in need of some space to learn and grow

I saw the coast of California, a place I always wish I could go. I had the breakfast at the Sugar

Shack, ate lunch at Huntington Beach and at night we ate at the nicest restaurants I had ever

seen.

As a young mother struggling to my best, knowing you are just a phone call away put my minds

at rest

For whether I am in need of words of wisdom, encouragement, love or just answers to questions

only a parent would know. If my car is broken down, or my heart is sinking, when the storms are

wild and my ship is rocking to and fro, when my ship is lost at sea and it is to foggy for me to

see

You always find a way to lead me safely back to bay. You always stay with me until the raging

storms have passed my way. You comfort me in my darkest hours; you came for me when no

one else would. Like no other has before or probably ever will again you see past my mask of

deception. You know what my real smile looks like. You can thru my eyes to the very bottom of

my soul.

When I finally saw that it did not matter what face I put on, that you always knew how I was

feeling on the inside. Happy, sad, angry or blue was when I knew I need not hide from you. I

knew then that all I had to do when I was with you was just be me.

I know now that I am a parent that parents always question if they know just what to do. We will

always wonder the “what ifs of life” and if we did the right thing. In case you ever wondering if

you did right, I just wanted to tell you tonight

That you did the very best you could as a parent, you still do amazing things for me even now

that I am an adult. I could not have a better farther than you even if I could have picked him

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The Who I am Essay 2011

myself.

I love you Daddy and I Always will love you truly

Kristen

To my mother I write,

Dear mother,

I know you don’t believe me when I say that you’re

the best. You are better than all the rest, you have

passed all the tests. Now is your time to rest

Growing up you and I did not always agree, there

really wasn’t much time for you and me. Even this

you managed somehow to get to know a part of me.

Time has passed and I have grown, now I make

important decisions all on my own I have determined

that,

Some things have to change others don’t. We will

probably never agree and that’s Okay with me.

There will never be enough time but you will always

make some time for me.

Now that I am older I can clearly see the two things

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The Who I am Essay 2011

that will never change are,

How much I Love you and how much you mean to

me.

Love

Krissy

Years passed and brought us to 2009. When my home and life had grown to be a place

I could no longer exist, I went back to the meadow again. I was safe sitting by my brook

with my mirror and candles that I always took. The baby was safe with Kristen and

Krissy and they could protect her better than I as I was just a child myself. I watched

them from my mirror just to be sure.

Though it pained me to hear her words, I knew she was right. There wasn’t all that much I could

I do about it, after all. So I gazed on threw the mirror at the hour glass in her hand and smiled as

she told me told how she felt.

‘I’m bored and restless, waiting for ever. You always say “No, not today!” I can’t take it anymore

the silence is unbearable, it is worse to not know. I’m waiting for the phone to ring, the door to

open, someone to come in. How can you stand to sit and wait?’

‘Well it happened to be your great folly, my friend. Your errors cost me dearly, once before and

never again will it fall that way. I’ll send a message when its time, until then she will be fine. Just

sit tight and don’t cause any needless fights ‘

She walked over and flipped the hour glass one more time, sat down and stared out the window

past her reflection. ‘Was today the day? Would I ever escape? Was I destined to feel this way

forever?’ Like the sand in this glass am I never to be free? Flipping from side to side, always

pouring my way to half empty. One grain of sand, for every tear my eyes have seen. How could

life be so mean? So tempting and alluring, yet leave me so much pain and morning‘

The door opened and in he came…

“Hello, glad your home. I just was thinking of you.”

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The Who I am Essay 2011

“You were? Good thoughts I hope.” He said walking past her headed for the bedroom

“Of course ….. Did I mention that house I saw the other day? It was so nice can’t wait to move

into it, so cute, quiet, a nice fence and big yard.

“Yea, yea, Kristen three times already, I know about the house, Geesh! I swear sometimes

woman, I think you’re smart and other times you just say the same things over and over. “ he

yelled down the stairs

“Oh and I’m going to the gym ” I called up to him looking at the clock. Gathering my gym bag,

and putting on my sneakers I walk right past the mirror without even looking in it. However I look

over my shoulder to ease my sense that someone is watching me. No one is, that I can see so I

walk out and lock the door.

“That asshole its ten am and he’s just getting in. Your gunner let her be all nice to him. I would

have wrung his neck, and then called his mom and told her to buy a plot because her low life

son was on his way home in a body bag. Then I would have..”

“I know a hundred dirty tricks as well; I have spent so much time watching I know em’ all as well

as you. This time is the last time though, we can’t afford a mistake. This time when I go out, it is

for good. To blow it now is to throw years of your work hiding me away in the trash. I have plan

we just have to be at the new house for it to work!”

“God you sound like an alcoholic, changing the geography isn’t going to change anything. Your

problems are your own, no matter where you are. Think!! It will be half the weight if we drop that

baggage now. “

“Krissy, I have plan but we have to wait. This stuff only happens once in a life time. The stars

have to be right, please, please, please don’t rush this one. You are going to love what I have

planned. Don’t worry everyone will be happy in the end.”

Kristen gets in the car, and starts the engine and pulls off heading to the highway and

Krissy takes over.

Looking in the rear view, I put my left blinker on and zip into the fast lane. Turn the radio up,

switch the radio onto my favorite cd and started singing..” He treats me fine….But I could be

better. You bring the wine and I’ll bring the letter…”

Looking in the mirror, I smile and can’t help but notice my hat dangling of it. Never did

understand my connection to that dingy thing but there it dangled anyway. Turning brown from

the baking in the sun, the label still read KRISSY and that was all that really mattered.

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The Who I am Essay 2011

‘You’re so bad; you know it and like it, that’s what makes you especially awful. You take

pleasure in watching others dismay, you really should watch what you say. People have

feelings, even if you like to pretend you don’t. Kay may forgive you but the rest of the world

won’t. When you’re done admiring yourselves would you mind watching the road, another car is

merging this way ’

‘I’m delightful; I don’t know what you’re talking about. My honesty is refreshing and most

welcome people know not so ask me if they don’t want to know. People need to hear the truth,

even when it hurts. The world isn’t going to sugar coat it why should I’

I lay my right hand on the horn, “BEEEEEP BEEEEEP “ and a flip of the middle finger takes

care of that guy..

‘Well…. to be on the side of fairness.. I enjoy you’re honesty and I do find it refreshing, however

I wish you would have a bit more discretion about it. Like that old man you just flipped off was

that REALLLy needed? I just can’t help, being reserved and guarded. It’s my way, to think of

others feelings first. I don’t like thinking bad about anyone.’

“More like you can’t, that’s my miserable job and you only have yourselves to thank for that. I

think you should be grateful, I mean that just my opinion.”

I pull off the highway and turn into the gym parking lot. Rolling up my window and checking my

makeup I am off to make my incredibly sexy body, even sexier. I stop at the mirror in the locker

room, throw my hair up in a ponytail and plug in my ear buds.

‘You really are going to do this to me again. My back is killing me and my knees too. I can’t

stand this. How did you and K get control and I get stuck up here?’

‘Shut the hell, up about your pain. That is exactly why you’re in there and we are out here. That

and you can’t hear us when you’re out, which impairs our plan. ’ I jump on the elliptical and start

the settings to uphill. I turn the TV on so it looks like im watching it and stare at the girl in the

mirror.

‘We’re almost there K, it won’t be long now. What are you going to do with this body, once it’s

complete? Feel like cluing the rest of us in? I can’t believe you haven’t told us yet, and yet here I

am running on this silly machine anyway.’

‘No I don’t plan on telling you. In fact this is a lesson in trust; you need to have some, in me and

in others. This is my life and you guys have hi jacked it, and no offence, fucked it all up. I know

you guys were trying to help me so, I won’t hold it against you.

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